i seek you in the ever-growing summer nights

where lil sparks play in the distant sky

a breeze thats still warm

 and yet doesnt disturb the mind

wraps the scents of frangipani in her invisible arms....

theres your voice that talks to me

and your eyes that perpetually shine

oh how i think of you in these summer nights...

your wicked humor

your teasing touch...

if only i could reach out that far

and be by your side once again....

i wouldnt mind perhaps being so far away then.

is raat key kaaley andherey sey poocha mainey

mera mehboob kahan

kyon ab hai tooh bezubaan...

kyon dhoondti hain meri bahein unko baar baar

kaha holey sey merey kanoan key darmiyaan

hai toh woh yahin terey dil mein basa hua....

karan

As I sit besides you son
I hear from your sweet mouth, a song..
Wish I could sing along
but you do it so beautifully and so in tune
that I silently croon
within my mind
I see a picture emerge
a young man with a guitar hung
softly strum the strings and hum…
Tender words. Into the sky of the night
so immersed is he
so involved..
That he fails to hear the applaud
of every being that heard his song..
Yes that’s way you are today
and I wish and pray
that may music be with you always,
To offer peace and solace.

Your thoughts you had revealed today to me my son
made me feel like a great mom..
This bit of sharing
that bit of explaining
a serious note somewhere
and laughter that would tear
our mouths apart..

Your tender smile,

 That did take a little while
to turn into an introspective look.
Your reaching out
to push that lock of stray hair
behind my ears
caught me unawares..

***************

As you slept by my side, my little one
I just couldn’t stop gazing at your asleep face
as my eyes traversed over atlas of your being
my hands too did touch those places..
Your unruly hair that you style once too often...
your eyes closed now, with those long lashes slightly fluttering
your nose, small and smug…
And your lips like lotus buds…
Lips that always have a smile playing upon  them..
Your ears, so like mine.

Naani did say once to me…
Never do look so often too closely into your child's face
and with so much adoration too..
Now when I think back
of when I was a child
I distinctly remember waking up once…
To her smiling face and her arms around me...

a peaceful ex-pression her face did wear

and her eyes were thinking

yet there was a twinkle gleaming in there

Memories are so precious,  especially the ones that bring smiles to our minds and happiness to our hearts. Small instances of thoughts that are expressed as memories. The 'first times' in our lives. when i first saw my son,  the very first time made me want to cry seeing the tiny life.  An infant with his dark unfocussed eyes and tiny hands...ohhh that just touched my heart and all i wanted to do was hold and embrace my child.

Today he's 16 years of age and a young man at that, with his defined face and smiling eyes i just cannot still get enough of him. In time soon he will be ready to fly out of my nest and i will watch from a distance. Lifes longings shoot an arrow into the distance in the future. Sometimes i sit and fret and worry for what will become of me then yet then sometimes again i think of the many ways i can make sure he is going be alright always.

 Today when i woke this morn i thought of how my mom must have felt when i was growing up along with my two brothers. Then as a teenager i thought she was a busy woman who made sure that we were taken care off and a system prevailed in our lives. just how wrong was i i know that today cause the security  and the assurance she provided uss till exists within me which in return i just pass on to my child. so in short what i got from her i gave to my child.

Now its my turn to provide her with the assurance that i will always be thrEe for both of them. No matter what!

THE LOVE WE GET FROM OUR PARENTS IS WHAT HELPS US SUSTAIN THROUGH OUR LIVES.IT ALSO HELPS US TO GENERATE AND PRODUCE MORE LOVE FOR OUR OWN CHILDREN AND SOMETIMES THIS LOVE IF NURTURED WELL BECOMES COMPASSION BENEFITiNG THE SOCIETY IN WHICH WE LIVE.

 I still have remembrances of mom and dad taking care of us when we were perhaps 4 or five. playing games with them in our old army bunglow kind of houses up in the hills of J&K. i still recall crossing strams with our feet all stone cold cause the water that flowed within it came from melting glaciers.... such are memories sweet and enchanting. so when i am down and low and all alone i return to times when i was a lil girl with curly hair and the word ' mom ' always on her lips.

A couple of years ago i spent time with my grandma whos 96 today and i was amazed as to how vivid her memories of her own childhood were. she often told me that she thinks of her long expired parents even more so now. She recalls the alleys through which she would pass to get to her own home. her father's huge house in the middle of the wheat fields and the mango orchards around.

i sit and wonder how she still passes her time with few people to talk to her and physically offer her their presence. Biji THOU ART GREAT AND THIS TIME WHEN I COME AROUND I WILL SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU THAN EVER.

Lullaby for my son
Smiles flit like tiny butterflies
Across my baby’s face.
Asleep yet awake!

Where do you go in your sleep, my little one?
Is it the toy shop?
Or is it for the candy floss?
Or is it to that deep dark forest
On the other side of the lake?

So often do I hear songs
That travel through these silent nights.
Melodies so clear yet so light.
I also see stars falling
They brighten up our horizon
With sparks splashing
Spreading awesome light everywhere.

I feel the magic of silvery wands and soothing fragrant breath.
Are there fairies there my dear?
Do they sing soft feathery lullabies,
And swing you in their arms so fair?
What do they whisper into your ears?
Gentle words of love and tender care?!

As you continue your travel through the dreamland
I cannot help, but wait to see you open your eyes
For it is you who makes life for me so beautiful.
and when you return back to me, sweet darling of mine
I hope your sleepy eyes
Are still filled with that magical moon's light.

the silence is deafening
you know
especially when the crickets
relentlessly whirr
outside in the tall grasses
and the rain falls
intermittently
on my rooftop

no conversation
no exchange of any sorts
just an inner dialogue
me telling you
how its so lonesome
without you
words spoken to myself in solitude
words only i can hear
words that wish to convey
i wish you were here with me
besides near..

these forlorn late night blues
i am unable to any longer bear...
the silence is deafening...

 you know
cos when i speak to you in my mind
no words return as a reply

just a incessant whirring of the crickets
and the relentlessly falling rain
sliding down the terracotta tiles...

phir woh akelapan

woh tanhai

wahi guzarey huay paloan ki yaad

wahi chahat wahi junoon...baar baar

kyon yaad aatey ho mujhko tum itna

yeh jaantey huay

ki phir hogi ek aur judaaii

phir bunoongi main

apney mann mein

nayey lamhoan key sapney

phir behengey aansoon akeley mein...

khwaaboan mein tumhaari surat dekhoon mein

aur sooni vaadiyoan mein

sunti hoon main tumhaari hi awaaz

har pal reheta hain tumhaara khayaal merey mann mein

yeh kaisi diwaani hoon main...

kaisi diwaani hoon main...

begaani si shayad

paglai si shayad

kya thi radha bhi aisi

apney kanhaiya key baarey main???

Your voice

Leaves me no choice

Other than to begin fantasizing again

Thinking of how I would like to hold you

And stay that way

 Hip to hip

Gaze to gaze…

Oh how I would like to remain this way and laze

While you speak of the intimacies

 we are likely together share…

your voice with its deep timbre

makes me tremble and shiver

and think of how it would feel

once again to kiss…

slowly and with an intent to linger…

while hot trails of passion trace a trails

to the centre of our beings…

your voice! oh! your marvelous voice!

to me holds promises

when my eyes begin to tire and sleep …

promises I know you will keep…

promises that make my heart with much joy leap

and my mind!

my mind with happiness weep... oh your voice !!!!

swirling black veils of sleep

within which float so many dreams

some i everyday live

and a few

my mind does weave...

there are places i have yet to visit

and voices i need to recollect

there are faces

 i have before never seen

 yet these appear in my dreams...

intangible

yet i claim to have been touched

comprehensible they are not

 yet they make so much sense...

reality translated into compressed thoughts

that haunt me

through my hours of sleep

sometimes i do wish to weep

and pray for some real sleep

and not have these images creep into my mind

but this does not seem to happen

cos most times my rest is mishapen

what does the darkness say to me

when the rain at midnight begins to fall?

come hither my child

you i shall i hide

within the spaces

that will always be your sanctuary...

the lil drops of water slowly slide down my face

sweet is their taste

 heavens nectar overflowing

while my minds been wandering at this late hour

mmmmmmmmm

the smell of earth wetted

and thunder somewhere in the far off distance rumbles..

does darkness in the rain have a sound???

barring the pitter patter of the raindrops

 and the breeze tearing the leaves

off the dancing trees...

 the night is being slowly expended

and sleep seems a distant thought...

oh how i wish darkness would hug me

and kind of sing this natural lullaby..

till sleep gathers me in her folds

 when the night swallows the evening sky

and emits just sounds and sighs...

and the breeze holds a few blooms intact

while it shakes the leaves off the trees..

then the sea in the distance

 reminds me of Thee...

 dark and captivating

attracting me to the wonderous self

the depth unknown

an enigma that holds on its own

sometimes i cannot tell

the intricate secrets Thou witholds

and sometimes i am sure

i was meant to be close to thee

the sounds of the cicadas continue to buzz

and the shoots on the trees turn into buds...

far, far away a star falls

arc -like spark -like

springing like a firefly

till the night swallows it too

and i remain standing on my verandas steps

mesmerised

 yet knowing

the creatures of the night need their space too..

i might as well step inside

 lest i find them slithering over my feet...

oh this is not a defeat

just another one of those moments

when my mind leaps from inside a book

to have another look

at the cosmic beauty of the nights infinite sky...

and think of Thee

singing to me

quietly like the sea does...  

Thous haunting of me has begun

yet all over again...

the realization of that has finally dawned on me

even though its still the dark dark night

and time for me to switch off my lights...